you were so caught up in the idea of if you could you didn’t stop to think if you should.
when I look directly into your eyes there is something about those big browns that melts me like a ice pop on a 90 degree hot summer day. I want you but you probably have no idea and the feeling probably isn’t reciprocated. While I was folding the laundry today I could imagine what our life would be like. I could see you asking me to marry you and then asking all my brothers for their blessing. we would go down to that little beach you talked about. then I could picture me loving you and those eyes for the rest of my life. It surprises me because this isn’t how I intended my future at all until I met you. as soon as you made my smile light up brighter than the moon something shifted. My soul lust for your love and my body craves you.
never have I been angry to the point where I couldn’t fall asleep. but today was different. being angry is just not who I am. its not my personality or my character. it was the end of my shift and one of my clients (i work at a shelter for chronic alcoholics) was being passive aggressive. He was talking to another client very loudly about how the staff at the shelter doesn’t do anything and that we don’t do our job right and something in my body and soul snapped when he said that. I was so offended that he just insulted my work ethics and how I do things. I mean come on this job is something that I am very passionate about how could he. I then continued to remind myself that this guy probably doesn’t have any idea about what I am required so do I think his opinion is really valid? NO I honestly don’t and matter of fact his opinion won’t matter until the day he is the one signing my pay checks. I’ve always seen myself as an employee who doesn’t just do the min. but someone who goes above and beyond and when he said these comments (very mean at that) it felt like someone just kicked me in my ribs and then laughed about how much it hurt me. I love my job but I kinda dislike him. I know compare him to having to wash the toliets. you just simply don’t want to have to deal with it because its a shitty job. haha this is for you “spunky” you can kiss my ass.
Will it ever end?
I can’t sleep again!
I turn and toss
I’m at a loss
There’s no sleep
Only a million sheep
I get no rest
I do my best
To out the sound
But my thoughts are a mound.
Turn off the lights
I love you, goodnight
I just need to remember to breathe. I get all these thoughts in my head at the same time and but the one thought that I don’t have is to breathe. I’m so tired but I’m so happy with how I’m improving myself as a person. I just gotta keep up the great work. Money is at steady flow right now and I’m supporting myself financially all while being a productive member of society. So this is to a future me who is reading this : you can do this because you have done it in the past. If you take care of yourself right you can be successful at what ever it is that you are trying to achieve. And that this note contains proof that you are not a failure so when you feel like it read this and know you have done something great.
Ain’t it a funny thing that I care about everyone around me more than they care for me. I feel it. I know this is true. These people are my whole life and they are my world. But I’m not theirs. I went back today and read my other blogs and they are all still true even after a great deal of time has passed on. Like when I said I only blog when I have nobody to turn, witch is my exact situation now. I called my cousin phe no answer (it is 3:45 in the morning but she is a night owl) she msged me back saying she can’t talk . I told her that I needed her wisdom but there wasn’t one care in the world. I don’t send msges like that at this hour ever unless I really do need something.
Ain’t it a funny thing that now here I sit 21 years old and I was confronted about how young and nieve iam at 3am in the morning. People said this behind my back today and a person who has no filter brought it up to me when I was grabbing a quick drink of water in the middle of my sleep.
Ain’t it a funny thing that the person who said this and the people who agreed about it (possible innocent bystanders) have no place to judge me. They are some of the most inconsiderate, irresponsible people I know. Yesterday my brother Greg called me in the middle of my sleep and I choose not to answer because I knew what he was going to say. I knew that he needed money a car to barrow and I decided that because I worked late that night that he could wait until I got a full 8 hours. Finally after the 6th missed called he called the house phone and my nephew came and gave me the phone. Then and there I decided I was going to give him a piece of my mind and sure did I. So now I’m nieve because I told him how I was feeling. We argued for about 30 minutes and now I’m late to all the Errons I have to run. He demanding I pick him up and doesn’t care that if I do come get him that I will be late to work (but this isnt inconsiderate at all) I went and picked up my check and then pick him up afterwards. We exchanged words ( mine only being truthful) he decided because he didn’t get things his way that he hopes I have a “horrible” day.
And ain’t it a funny thing that no matter how much these people use me up I still would cross valleys, climb mountains to brake my back for them. After they treat me like dirt they are still my world.
Ain’t it a funny thing.
Seems I only do it when I’m having anxiety really. I don’t have any body to talk to about most things. So I guess this is a healthy way to get some things out